If I Don't Get Up
by myownsaviour
Summary: Rory is in a dark place right now. One of these days maybe someone will notice. Maybe someday, someone will be able to help. But that day isn't today. Warning: Contains self-harm, from somebody who experiences it first hand, so it might seem quite strong.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I have recently faced a lot of the issues raised in this story myself, and so I'm sorry if at sometimes it seems a bit dark, or a bit gruesome, but I have tried my best to emulate the feelings that I had, the actions that I did, as best I can on paper. So I hope you'll stick with me. I'd love to hear feedback on this story seeing as its so personal, with a lot of the feelings and actions being transported straight from my life into those of the characters. **

**Remember: I don't own Glee in any way, shape or form.**

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Rory stared at Sam and Mercedes across the room. Mercedes' loving look into Sam's eyes, the stolen glances, the way she made him feel. The adoration that she had garnered from Sam made Rory sick. It hurt him, in every way. His heart burned, and his hairs would stand on end. A thousand knives were plunging into him every second that they were together. Rory was gay. Sam and he were best friends, but for almost as long as he had known Sam, Rory had wanted more, had loved Sam and every little stupid thing about him. The way he would always scratch his left ear when he was thinking, the way that when he saw Rory his face would light up, those stolen moments when they would just sit quietly and enjoy each other's company. But then Sam had sprung a surprise. He was going to ask Mercedes to date him. The world came crashing down. As if the problems he was already dealing with weren't enough, now he would have to face seeing the love of his life get happiness from somebody else. He had known for a long time it was hopeless. There was no possibility of him and Sam ever becoming an item. The universe and its twisted games would make sure of that. But there was always that unconquerable hope that comes with being so in love. Sam's recent actions hadn't done anything to help that. Telling Rory that he loved him, and then came the 'groping' the hands wrapped around the other's cock as they strained for release. Of course, Rory would have done anything for Sam, but it seemed that Sam just saw it as a way to get off. The pain he was causing would, in Rory's eyes, never become known to Sam.

Before 'Samcedes' were a couple, Rory had already realised the hopelessness of his situation, and every night, in his room alone, he would try to make sense of it. That was how, two weeks before Mercedes even become the happiest girl at school, Rory had placed a razor to his leg, and slashed a cut, watching the blood pour out. It made the pain real. It wasn't abstract, it was a real, tangible pain. One that could be dealt with, one that he could mend. The way he couldn't mend his broken heart. He would cry himself to sleep at night, curled up into a ball beneath the covers. He could shut the world out like this. It was just him, the blanket and his breath. The rise and fall of his heart. But it was always there. That dull, aching pain that had ingrained itself into his very being. In every cell of his body, he could feel that pain, that thud, the burn.

On the night that Sam told him he was going to ask Mercedes out, Rory lost all control over the pain. His phone was placed down on his bedside table, his iPod still playing through his earphones. He could still see the text imprinted into his mind: **Hey, I think I have feelings for Mercedes. I'm gonna ask her out tomorrow. What do you think? **The razor. That's what he needed right now. Nothing else would help him and his problems. Nobody knew he was gay. Nobody knew he had feelings for Sam. They would be secrets, kept for a time he was feeling more brave, feeling more secure. He flicked the razor over his thumb, feeling the edges of it. This time he would cause more pain than ever before, but little did he realise that at the start. He could hear his music playing softly in the background, but couldn't make out the tune, everything had been blocked out by now.

_Notice me take my hand_

_Why are we strangers when_

_Our love is strong_

_Why carry on without me?_

Rory holds out his arm, he will cope with this news the only way he knows how. The razor held tightly in his hand, he slashes it down, and watches the blood follow. Silent tears block him from seeing clearly, but he knows where he is trying to hurt. He doesn't want to hit an artery. Not yet anyway. His finger runs over the cut, and the sharp sting runs through his whole body. He picks up the razor again.

_Every time I try to fly_

_I fall without my wings_

_I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

_And every time I see you in my dreams_

_I see your face, it's haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby._

His arm is now covered in blood. There are five fresh cuts that he has made tonight. He can see the scars of old wounds still marked into his skin. But it doesn't put him off. There is more pain tonight. His heart is hurting more than ever, and what has done so far has not nearly equaled how he feels. Nothing will, but he still needs more. The pain is not enough yet. Brushing the tears out of his eyes, he glances over at the phone laying on the side, and the message runs through his head once again. He lifts up his sleeve so that he can reach his shoulder.

_I make believe_

_That you are here_

_It's the only way_

_I see clear_

_What have I done_

_You seem to move on easy_

He pushes the razor in harder this time. The cuts are deeper than before, and there is more blood. Luckily he has a bandage on hand for moments like this. But it isn't time for that yet. He runs the blade over his thumb, and he knows it isn't time to stop yet. This is the worst its ever been. Normally it only takes one or two cuts a day, but here he is, on nine and he knows that it isn't enough. Nothing will be but at least he can get closer.

_And every time I try to fly_

_I fall without my wings_

_I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

_And every time I see you in my dreams_

_I see your face, you're haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby_

He can't move his arm anymore. Fourteen fresh cuts all on the one arm. He runs a finger over them, feeling them and the pain. He has calmed down now, and he can think more clearly than he could before. He reaches for a bandage. He would clean up his bloody arm later – there's a chance that an adult could see him if he went to the bathroom at this time of night to wash. There would be questions if he did that. So he did what he has always done. Hide it from sight, and the secret will remain a secret. The bandages are soaked red, but at least he can get rid of the bandage easily. Blood on his bed sheets would be noticed, and hard to explain.

_I may have made it rain_

_Please forgive me_

_My weakness caused you pain_

_And this song is my sorry_

_At night I pray_

_That soon your face_

_Will fade away_

Rory reaches for his phone. He needs to text Sam back. That text is waiting for him - **Hey, I think I have feelings for Mercedes. I'm gonna ask her out tomorrow. What do you think? **He realises that he doesn't know how to answer this. A part of him wants to tell Sam everything, but at the same time, he knows he has to make his friend happy. Even if it means hurting himself every day like this for the rest of his life. Anything. As long as Sam comes into school with a smile on his face, Rory will have at least done a little bit of his job as a friend.

_And every time I try to fly_

_I fall without my wings_

_I feel so small_

_I guess I need you baby_

_And every time I see you in my dreams_

_I see your face, you're haunting me_

_I guess I need you baby_

It has taken him a while. Deliberately typing out each letter, making sure that everything is spelled correctly. He needs to make sure that Sam believes him when he gets the text. The send button is pressed. Rory closes his eyes. Just to think about what he has done. The events of this night have taken him right into hell. He stares back at his phone. At the message he just sent. **Sounds good. Go for it! :D **Looking at it, he knows that he has only just entered hell.

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**So I'll hopefully have Chapter 2 up soon. I just wanted to say that this story will probably only end up being around four chapters long, so it will probably be short, but I hope that you will stick with me for the journey.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I'm really grateful for the feedback I have received from the first chapter. Hopefully you will continue to like the story, as it is one that means a lot to me. As for making more than four chapters, I'm not sure how that will work out at the moment as I have planned out the story and how I intend it to pan out. Originally there were going to be five, but I have cut out some of the extra stuff that I didn't think was necessary, and as a result, I have reduced it to four sections. Maybe when I get to the end I will be able to see if there is anywhere else I can take this story.**

**Remember: Glee isn't mine.**

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As a new morning dawned on him, the events of last night came rushing back in on Rory. Sam was going to ask Mercedes out. Probably today. He tried to prop himself up on the bed, but realised that he couldn't move his arm. He went to the bathroom, taking his clothes with him. If anybody saw him, he could just say he was rushing to get a wash. Inside the peach bathroom, Rory stood in front of the sink, and turned on the tap. Looking up at himself in the mirror. Using his one good arm, he lifted his t-shirt above his head, and then slowly pulled the bandage from last night away from his arm. His arm was caked in dried blood – so much so that he couldn't really make out the cuts underneath it all. He put his hand into the steaming water, checking the temperature. Once satisfied, he turned the taps off, and slowly plunged his arm in. Sure it stung like hell, but he needed to make sure that the cuts were clean. He wouldn't really be able to explain them away if one got infected. He pulled his shirt for the day around him, and buttoned it up and the front. He realised just how little he could move his arm without it hurting, but understood he would have to just bear with it for today. He turned on the hair dryer, and pulled the brush through his hair, hoping that today it would all just go into place without too much difficulty. But no, that would be too easy. In the end, he left it. Sure there were random bits that stuck up all over the place, but today, he just couldn't deal with it. He passed on the breakfast offered to him, but when pressured, ate one spoonful cereal. He shrugged it off. There were more important things on his mind. Did he try to stop what he guessed would be happening today? What should he do? He didn't know. He just couldn't do anything else right now. Focus on each step as it comes.

School. He glanced around the canteen, looking for his friends. And there they were, all together as usual. Smiles and laughter. At least they were happy. That was all that Rory wanted. As long as his friends were happy, he was doing something right. Right? His eyes settled on Sam, who had started walking over to Rory. They nodded at each other, and the blond boy smiled, pulling Rory into a hug. The moment was bittersweet for Rory. This happened every day. Nothing was new here, but for Rory, it was a goodbye. He was passing Sam onto somebody else. Somebody else was to become Sam's focus, and though that killed, Rory understood that it was what needed to happen. That was how he came to the conclusion that his happiness would need to be sacrificed. Sam and Mercedes had to get together. There she was now. Coming over here. Rory fled. He couldn't be around to watch this. He made some excuse about having to run and grab his books that he had left in his locker overnight. All the way down the hallway, he ran. His feet pounding the floor as he tried to get as far away as possible. It was like he was being chased, and all he knew was that he needed to get away. He couldn't be near when Sam asked Mercedes.

The next time he saw them, was Glee Club. It was the only thing that offered any light in his life at the moment. When he walked in though, only two people were sitting there waiting. Sam and Mercedes. What was this screwed up life he was living? Was it just designed to treat him like shit? Had he done something wrong to deserve this? The couple were holding hands, and Sam was looking lovingly into Mercedes' eyes. Rory couldn't do this. So he did what he knew best. He turned out of the room, and ran. Unfortunately not quickly enough, and Sam noticed the Irish boy quickly departing the room. He excused himself from Mercedes, and bolted after the other boy, barging through the other members of New Directions that were just entering the room. The commotion caused confused the others, who looked at Mercedes, baffled. She just sat there and shrugged, having not noticed Rory. Rachel moved to the forefront of the group.

"Whatever is going on, I'm sure it will be sorted. How about we just move on for now? I have prepared my piece for this weeks assignment". The others nodded in approval, and sat down to take their seats as the music started.

_I stare at my reflection in the mirror:_

_"Why am I doing this to myself?"_

_Losing my mind on a tiny error,_

_I nearly left the real me on the shelf._

_No, no, no, no, no._

Sam caught up with Rory in the hallway, and grabbed his arm. Rory winced in pain - an action that didn't go unseen. Sam's brow furrowed with thought. Why was Rory in pain? "What has happened to your arm Ror?". Sam was concerned. He thought back to yesterday. Rory's arm was fine then. What had happened since?

_Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!_

_Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,_

_It's okay not to be okay._

_Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart._

_Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,_

_Just be true to who you are!_

Rory stood there in silence. What should he say? Sam knew he didn't do any sports. How could he explain why he flinched when the blond touched his arm? He fell over. That would work. His excuse was given, and Sam looked at Rory, almost as if deciding whether the Irish boy was telling the truth. Satisfied that Rory wouldn't lie to him, Sam accepted the lie as truth, and leant back on the locker behind him.

_Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?_

_I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!_

_The more I try the less it's working, yeah_

_'Cause everything inside me screams_

_No, no, no, no, no._

"I asked her. Are you happy for me?" Sam looked excited. Rory couldn't make Sam sad. He couldn't. "Yes Sam. I am so happy for you". The blond smiled, and inside, Rory was on fire. But that was the fatal mistake. Getting caught up in the moment. Why did he have to be so stupid? His book dropped to the floor as feelings rushed in, and when he reached down for it, Sam noticed the bandage on Rory's arm.

_Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!_

_Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,_

_It's okay not to be okay._

_Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart._

_But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,_

_There's nothing wrong with who you are!_

"Rory, why do you have a bandage on your arm? You didn't fall over did you?" Rory backed away. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Could this day get any worse than it already was? He didn't know what to say. He just knew he couldn't tell the truth. Sam couldn't know. He couldn't. But sometimes what people think should happen, and what actually happens are two completely different things.

_Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like whoa!_

_Just go, and leave me alone!_

_Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,_

_With a smile, that's my home!_

_That's my home, no._

Sam couldn't take any more of this. He needed the truth, and since he wasn't going to get it from Rory, he would have to find out for himself. He lightly grabbed his friend's arm, and undid the cuff before rolling up the sleeve. The bandage underneath, and its blood stains were now clearly visible to Sam, and the blond reached to the bottom of the bandage, ready to peel it away.

_No, no, no, no, no._

_Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!_

_Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,_

_It's okay not to be okay..._

_Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart._

_Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,_

_Just be true to who you are!_

_Yeah yeah yeah._

He couldn't look at the arm. What had happened? Why had this happened? "Rory, who did this?" Sam's voice was pleading now. He couldn't understand. Why was it kept a secret? He looked into Rory's eyes, and he knew. He knew why his friend hadn't told anybody. He knew what had happened to his arm, and Rory was genuinely surprised when he saw tears start to fall from Sam's eyes. This kind of thing didn't happen. Not in real life. Rory was a good person. He didn't deserve this. Nobody did, but definitely not Rory. His best friend. How could he not have noticed. Quietly, Sam leant into Rory and gave him a hug, whispering, "I'm sorry Ror. I'm so sorry. Why are you doing this?"

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**So there's part two. I hope I have managed to sustain your interest. If you have anything to say, please review and let me know.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I've got to say a massive thank you! The feedback and reception I have received from this story is so amazing! I think you can tell that this means a lot to me – it took a lot of effort to even begin writing the skeleton of this story because of how current it is for me, so thank you for all of your support. For those who aren't sure, yes this is based of off real life, and Rory is going through the things that I went through. For those wondering what the music was – Chapter One featured Everytime by Britney Spears, while Chapter Two contained Who You Are by Jessie J. Please stick with me for just a little bit longer!**

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Sam stood in his room. He had been standing silently now for about two hours. After he found out about Rory's self harm, he had had to say goodbye to his friend, and Rory ran off home, taking Brittany with him. When Sam had returned home, he was speechless. What could have caused this? What was so bad that Rory saw hurting himself as the only way out? Sam's legs ached, probably from standing in the same spot for so long, looking at himself in his wardrobe mirror. He was a useless friend. He should've noticed. He should've been there to help earlier. Maybe if he had been better, Rory wouldn't have hurt himself. Maybe if he had tried a little harder. It was hopeless. He couldn't change the past, but he could sure as hell try and stop it from continuing. He wiped the tears away from his eyes, and sat down on his bed. It was only 8.30 but sleep was calling him. It had been a stressful day, and he always thinks better when he is completely awake. He shifted in his position until his head was on the pillow, but when he was finally comfortable, a thought struck him. Should he text Rory? What should he do about that? They hadn't spoken since they parted earlier which was unusual. But then again, it hadn't been a normal day. Turning over under the sheets, Sam decided to leave his friend for tonight. He would text in the morning when he had taken time to think things over.

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Rory sat at his desk. His phone out in front of him. Waiting. He wouldn't take his eyes away from the phone until Sam texted him. He needed to know that Sam was ok, that Sam wasn't sad. He wanted to make sure that Sam understood that Rory was doing this for his friends. The Irish boy hoped his friend wouldn't think him selfish for keeping his pain to himself, but Rory just couldn't bear to see Sam sad. Unfortunately he ended up sad anyway. Those tears in Sam's eyes, why were they there? Did he not understand? Rory was doing this to help. It was helping Sam. Couldn't Sam see that? He checked his phone again. No new messages. It was 10.30. He might as well give up on any texts tonight. Wait. Was Sam disgusted? What if he was angry at Rory? What if he didn't want a friend like that? Sure Sam was an amazing person, but that just made things even worse for Rory – why would the blond want to be friends with him in the first place? Oh fuck, he was disgusted. That was the only answer. That must be why he hadn't texted. He had lost Sam, and now what was he going to do? The thought of a life without his best friend burned through Rory, killing him as a wave of pain passed through him. That was the sign. He needed the hurt again. Needed to make it physical. Not just mental. He grabbed the razor, and slashed his leg four times. He hit his arm into the wall, making the pain in his arm return. He couldn't cope. Not without the hurt. He needed it.

**Hey Ror. Meet me outside the canteen at the start of school. I know we both have frees, and we need to talk, so I was thinking we could go for a walk x **Rory's heart jumped at the text. His sleep last night had been difficult to say the least, and when he woke up, he was greeted with that text. Sam needed to talk? Anything, as long as he isn't disgusted. As long as Sam doesn't hate him for what he has done. The journey to school that morning rushed past. Recently, each step had seemed like a lead weight, but today, he was desperate to talk to Sam, and Rory's quick steps had taken him to school before he even knew it. His friend was there waiting for him. An odd feeling came over Rory the moment he saw Sam waiting for him. He knew that today, he would tell Sam he was gay. Sure it would kill, and hurt, but he needed to do it. Sam had been the first person Rory had really spoken to at McKinley, and as the pair greeted each other on this cold winter morning, Rory remembered his audition for New Directions – an action he had been pushed into doing by Sam. Terrified, but knowing that he needed to try his best, he had stood in front of New Directions, hands shaking, and sung his heart out to one of his favourite songs.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_Cuz I know that you feel me somehow_

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

Sam pulled Rory away from the school, and into one of the paths leading to the town nearby. "Rory, I know this is going to be difficult for you, but I need you to help me understand. I can't help you if you don't let me in, and believe me, I want to help you. I want to help you so much Rory, because seeing your arm yesterday made me think, and I can't stand to know that you are in pain like this. So please, let me in".

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

_Cuz sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

Rory looked up at the man he loved. That was why. That was exactly why Rory loved him just so much. He was just such a caring, genuine person. Rory gulped, and hurried the pace away from the school. He couldn't be near that place when he told Sam. He remembered what happened to Kurt, and he couldn't face that. Not yet anyway. This was going to be a big moment for him, and he needed to make sure it was right.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cuz I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

Sam stopped Rory in his tracks, spinning the Irish boy around to face him. "Ror, tell me. Please?" Rory looked into his eyes. It was time. Keeping his eyes concentrated on Sam's, those two words came out of Rory's mouth. "I'm gay". Sam stood there for a minute, in a silence. And then, almost out of nowhere, two arms were thrown around Rory, and all he could feel was Sam hugging him in close, and whispering the words "it'll be alright" into Rory's ear.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

_When everything feels like the movies_

_Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive_

He wanted to cry. He really did, but nothing was coming. In a way, telling Sam felt like he had given up a part of himself. He was that little bit more open to the world, that little bit more vulnerable, and right now, he just didn't want that. But he knew that Sam needed to know. He deserved at least that much from Rory. Sam was still hugging him, and showed no signs of letting go, but in truth, Rory wasn't going to complain. He would take what he could get.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cuz I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

When Sam finally let go, Rory felt like a different person. Sure he felt miserable and still full of shit, but for the first time in about four weeks, he felt at least one grain of happiness. Sam hadn't run off, he hadn't been disgusted, and now he knew Rory more than anyone had before. It was scary, heck it was terrifying to think that somebody knew everything about him, but in a way, it was a blessing. He could talk now at least. But wait, he didn't want to put too much pressure on Sam. No, he would still have to deal with everything by himself, it would be too much to expect Sam to get involved.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cuz I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

Sam looked at Rory. His best friend. Nothing would change that. Nothing could ever change that. "Ror, I'm here for you yeah? And I mean that. Whatever it is, whenever you need someone to talk to, please just give me a shout. You mean so much to me, I couldn't bear to lose you". And with that, Rory's heart broke.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cuz I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

Sam cared. He really did care, and that killed Rory, because he just knew that one day he would let him down. Obviously he had let him down so often in the past, but he was being punished for that now, he was making sure of that himself, but he just couldn't face the thought that one of these days he would let Sam down again, probably even more than he had before. A disappointment. That's what he would be. Even if Sam denied it, Rory knew it. There was nothing else to say on the matter. Who would want a gay best friend? Nobody. Sam was just too kind to admit it. That was the answer.

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**So the song used in this installment was Iris by the GooGoo Dolls. I hope you liked this chapter, and will stick here just a little bit longer for the final section. Hopefully it shouldn't be too long a wait!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: So here we are. The final part of the story. I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for the amazing feedback, especially TVTime for his fantastic support! It has taken multiple redrafts to get this chapter right. Believe it or not, this chapter has been mulling over in my head for about a week (I have waited so that I can post all the chapters in consecutive days) and every time I sat down to write it, I wanted to slightly change the ending from what it was the time before. I wasn't sure whether to make the ending less like my life, or more like what actually happened. In the end, I moved closer to reality, so I hope this chapter finishes the story in a satisfactory way.**

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11.30 at night. Rory glanced at his watch again. Sam had said he was going to call this evening. Two weeks had passed since Rory had come out to his friend, and since then, the process had been moving along quickly, with him having told his family and friends. He was pretty much completely out now. But still, nobody knew of his feelings for Sam. They probably never would. If he told them, knowing the New Directions, it was pretty likely that somehow the message would get back to the blond or Mercedes, and he really didn't want that now. The vibrating of his phone in his pocket snapped Rory out of his trance, and he looked down at the caller ID. Sam. Finally. It had taken him long enough.

"Hey Ror, sorry I hadn't called earlier, I had to look after my sister. I need to talk to you". That sounded ominous. Rory was worried. Heck he was panicking. Sam's voice sounded deadly serious, and Rory just didn't know what was going to happen. He made a noise to signal Sam to continue.

"Well I was thinking. You know how before I started going out with Mercedes, we… well… we did some, er, stuff right?" How could Rory forget? Those were the few happiest moments of his life. Those few minutes when Sam was his. Nobody else's. Just his. Him and his man. No distractions, just pure feeling. "Well I think that maybe, we could, you know? Pick up where we left off?" Rory blinked. Had Sam really just said that? He wanted to continue with what had happened? What did this mean? Hundreds of questions filled Rory's head. Which one to ask? He just stuttered. Sam cottoned on to what was going on, and began explaining himself. "Its just that I enjoyed it you know? It was cool. So what do you think?" The Irish boy just nodded before remembering that Sam wouldn't be able to see that, so he just quietly whispered his agreement into the phone. The pair said goodbye and hung up. Rory was stunned. He sat down on his bed, before silently getting into the covers, and promptly falling to sleep. He was too confused to do anything else.

* * *

The next day was odd. Sam met Rory as usual, but he had a slightly less normal smirk on his face. He winked as he grabbed his baffled friend into a hug. Throughout the day, the pair hardly saw each other due to their vastly different timetables, but Sam was constantly on Rory's mind. Not that that was rare. But still, he couldn't focus on anything. Was Sam gay? Bi? It just didn't make sense. At the end of the day, the pair met up and headed back to Sam's. His house was the nearest to the school, and they had always gone back to his on Monday afternoons. Once there, they went up into Sam's bedroom. The place was teeming with memories for Rory – it was here that he and Sam had started their... relationship? Friends with benefits arrangement? Well whatever it was, it had started here. Sam took off Rory's jumper, revealing the scars underneath. This time, he could just about look at them. Yeah, his eyes welled up again, but at least this time he hadn't broken down into a shaking wreck in front of the boy he wanted so desperately to make happy again. He stroked them with his hands. "Did it really have to come to this Rory?" Rory just nodded. He hadn't expected this turn of events, but that remained the same. He deserved the pain that the razor caused him. Sam grabbed Rory's hand and placed it on his crotch. He smiled, and nodded, as if to say "go on, let's do it". Rory bit his lip. Was it really okay to do this? What about Mercedes? But there he was, his hand on Sam's crotch, feeling his cock pulsing underneath his palm. Rory shifted his hand, palming his friend through his jeans. It was so perfect. Yeah in his mind he wanted romance, but he could manage with this for now. He undid Sam's button and pulled down the zipper, reaching out for the hard cock that had now been released. It was beautiful. It really was. Rory jerked his hand back and forth over his friend. This was just so good. He knelt down on the floor, and looked up at his friend, who nodded, showing his approval. Rory smiled, and licked the tip, tasting the precum, before taking the whole thing into his mouth. Eventually, he pulled off, and jacked Sam off until he came. Rory felt so happy right now. Nothing would bring him down. He sat next to his friend. "So, Sam. Are you gay or what?" Sam sighed. He hadn't been sure whether to expect this question or not. "No Rory. I'm really not into guys at all. I wish we could, but we're never going to be anything more than close friends". Okay. That could bring him down. He was crushed all over again. What the fuck was this? Was this life? Or was it just some screwed up shit? What did he mean he wasn't gay? Heck, in the past he had sucked Rory off in their first few 'groping sessions'. How can he not feel anything for guys whatsoever? Keeping his thoughts to himself, Rory just pressed on with issues to do with school and friends, but inside he was angry. Angry for the first time in a long time. Recently he had just been too sad to bother with being angry. But now… He was furious. He felt used. Just another sex toy.

Rory sat alone in his room, thinking about what had happened. Thinking about what he had felt earlier on. That anger. It still burned through him now. He looked down at his arms. The scars. They disgusted him. They had started because of his love for Sam, and now that same boy had just used him. Fair enough he didn't realise that Rory's feelings were involved but… Fuck. Rory looked out of the window. He thought of Sam's face, and for the first time in a long time, he could criticise the boy, and he smiled a sad smile. He realised he wasn't in love with his friend anymore. He was starting to move on, which was great, but at the same time a moment of great sadness. All of that pain, all of that suffering, and here he was, moving on. His mind turned to his friends. Rachel, Santana, Mike. They would support him. Sam. He was always going to be there. Not as a lover, but he would always be a friend. Right now, that was all that Rory wanted. He looked at the CD case in the corner. He hadn't planned a song for Glee yet, and the assignment was for tomorrow. Of course, as usual, most of the members had already sung. In fact, Rory was the only one left to go. He looked at his CD collection, and his eyes settled on the song. The only one that he could ever think of singing right now. He put it in the player, and began to sing along. He had to get it right.

Mr. Schue walked into the choir room and looked over at Rory. Rory stood up and took centre stage. He took a deep breath, and prepared to sing. Everybody was there. All his friends. Deep breath, and a leap of faith.

_I keep taking_

_Taking you back_

_But I don't know why I do_

_You keep breaking_

_Breaking me down_

_So I'll find somebody new_

_Alright?_

His friends all looked slightly confused. Nobody was really sure who he was singing to. Neither was Sam. Go figure. Everybody was just enjoying the sound. In a way, Rory was glad that nobody had guessed. It made things easier. He could say what he needed to without fear of anything going badly at the end because somebody had reacted badly.

_I don't want to feel I'm there for you, for life_

_And now your begging me to see you tonight_

_It's funny how easy you can mess me up_

_Now look how easy I get you…_

Those were the words that Rory loved. The ones that spoke to him so much right now. Yeah, his feelings for Sam had fucked him over in the head, but he was on the mend. He was moving on. He had to move on. There was nothing left for him and Sam. Nothing more than a love that was strictly platonic. Platonic, but perfect.

_Outta me head, outta my head_

_Say goodbye_

_Somebody's gonna get you_

_Outta my head, outta my head_

_And tonight_

_I'm doing what I want to_

_You made the biggest mistake_

_And now I'm going to get you way_

_Outta my head, outta my head_

_Say goodbye_

_Somebody's gonna get you._

The words were venomous, hell of course they were. He was furious with Sam for what had happened the night before, even if he hadn't let his feelings show then, he wasn't afraid to now, especially seeing as nobody knew what or who he was singing about. He just had to keep going. Don't break down, don't take one wrong step, or the world will collapse again.

_I kept taking_

_Taking the blame_

_And it's torn me up inside_

_So defeated, losing my self_

_But you'll never make me cry again_

_Remember you and I didn't want things to end_

_And now your tasting all the pain I was in._

Sam looked on at Rory. Who had made him feel that way? What was he taking the blame for? These were all questions he would have to ask his friend, because whoever it was, they were in for a hell of a lot of pain once Sam was through with them. He would make sure of that.

_It's funny how easy you can mess me up_

_Now look how easy I get you_

_Outta me head, outta my head_

_Say goodbye_

_Somebody's gonna get you_

_Outta my head, outta my head_

_And tonight_

_I'm doing what I want to_

_You made the biggest mistake_

_And now I'm going to get you way_

_Outta my head, outta my head_

_Say goodbye_

_Somebody's gonna get you_

But then again, the song was about moving on. Maybe, if Rory was singing this, that meant he wouldn't want to revisit the subject of whoever had made him do the things he did. Sam sighed. He figured he would never know just who this person was. At least Rory could move on now.

_Oh_

_Outta my face and thoughts forever_

_And maybe I can sleep and breath much better_

_And finally I am seeing everything clearer_

_So watch me now_

_Oh_

_Just watch me now_

Actually, this was a happy song. And that made Sam fill up with joy. Could it be that everything was getting better for Rory? Had his friend finally managed to conquer whatever issues were eating him whole? Maybe the song wasn't directed so much at a person, but more at the feelings that his friend had experienced recently.

_Outta me head, outta my head_

_Say goodbye_

_Somebody's gonna get you_

_Outta my head, outta my head_

_And tonight_

_I'm doing what I want to_

_You made the biggest mistake_

_And now I'm going to get you way_

_Outta my head, outta my head_

_Say goodbye_

_Somebody's gonna get you_

Sam jumped to his feet and clapped. The other members of the New Directions followed suit, but that wasn't enough. Although they didn't know the problems that Rory had faced, or what the meaning behind his song was, they could see he had been through pain, and so they did what they always do when someone from the group was hurting. They gathered around and gave him a hug. To them it was the simplest gesture, but for Rory it meant everything. After all the suffering, after all the pain, people were still there for him.

That night, as he sat alone in his room with the light off, Rory reached out for his razor. He ran it over his fingertips, and a few drops of blood splashed out, but nothing serious. For many, this would be a disaster. Purposefully cutting themselves, it would have been a sign of defeat, or pain. For Rory however, it was a goodbye. He smiled at the small cut. He was improving.

* * *

**So there we go then. It's all over. I hope that this story has had an impact on you as a reader, because hell knows it means a lot to me. About 95% of this is real life. Obviously there wasn't the singing in real life, but the self-harm, the relationships and actions have been unchanged so it would be a great honour if I found out that one, and one alone would be amazing, reader was moved by this. The song from this final section was Outta My Head by Leona Lewis. I have started planning stages on my next work, which I think is set to be titled Fall to Grace. Once again, thank you everybody for the amazing support I have received, it means so much!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: So basically this is what's happening: this is the start of a second set of four chapters for this story, chronicling the events that happened after Chapter Four. As with the earlier four chapters, these are all events from my life, but I just needed to give them a little longer to sink in before I could force myself to sit down and write about them. I hope that you will find these chapters interesting. I felt like I wanted to share how the story has progressed and how life carried on after the previous end of the story. Here we go…**

* * *

"Rory, are you going to be in school tomorrow? It's just I really wanted to talk to you, and I haven't really had much of a chance lately". Sam's voice echoed through the phone and over to Rory, who was lying in bed. Three weeks had passed since Rory had sung 'Outta My Head' in glee club, and although there had been relapses, things had generally been looking up. Him and Sam were still really great friends, and although he hadn't yet come out to the glee club, he felt like he was becoming much more confident in his own skin than he had been before. He replied to Sam's question with a confident yes, before inquiring what he wanted to talk about. "It's just well, I was thinking about everything that we did together, and I realised, you were the best person I've done things with. I think that I really want to see how things could be between us you know? I mean would that be okay with you?" Rory took a deep breath. Had Sam really just said that? Had he really been so bold? The first thing that crossed through into Rory's mind was Mercedes. What did Sam intend to do about her?

"What about Mercedes Sam? We can't cheat on her. That is just wrong". He gulped. He couldn't believe what he was doing. Two weeks ago he would have done anything to be with Sam, even if it meant cheating, but he was seeing things a bit clearer now – he knew what was right and what was just plain wrong. He could hear Sam sigh over the phone.

"Look Rory, I'm not certain yet, which is why I wanted to talk about it with you tomorrow. I don't know what I want, but I think it's you. I've got to go to eat, but we'll talk tomorrow". Sam hung up the phone. Rory started chewing on his nails as he thought. Sam was finally going to be his. He could finally love him like he had wanted to. Feelings that he had tried to repress for the last few weeks came surging back, and Sam was suddenly the ever-present force on his mind again. Tomorrow couldn't come quickly enough. He needed to talk to Sam so that they could begin the rest of their lives together. He hardly slept that night, eagerly anticipating the next day.

* * *

It was cold outside the next morning, and as Rory and Sam walked to find a bench away from the canteen and any company, the Irish boy was shivering. Sam put his arm around him to warm him up, an action that made the younger boy smile. Sam had obviously made up his mind, and he had clearly chosen him. Rory was floating sky high. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy. They found the bench they wanted, and sat down next to each other. Rory took a deep breath, and asked the question. "Sam, have you decided yet? Do you know what you want to do about us?" Sam looked at Rory, and for three seconds, Rory really thought that the boy was going to lean in and kiss him. He was waiting, but nothing ever came. There was only a small look of guilt in Sam's eyes. Rory knew what that look meant.

"I'm sorry Rory, but what we did, it was fun, but… I can't be with you. I'm not into guys Rory, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry". Rory couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was it all just a sick joke? An attempt to get his hopes up just to bring them crashing down again? Hadn't he been fucked over in the head enough already? Sam's eyes were searching those of the other boy, and Rory simply nodded.

"That's okay. Really don't worry about it. It's no biggy". Rory held back the tears that he knew were coming. He couldn't cry now, not in front of Sam. He could do this tonight. The two separated from the bench, Sam heading to the gym while Rory walked to the theatre. He needed some time alone right now, and there was never anybody around the stage.

* * *

When he got there, he looked around to double check that nobody was there. It was empty, as he had assumed it would be. He sat on the stage, and curled himself up into a ball, before slowly letting the tears come. One by one, until eventually there was a whole flood pouring down his face. He couldn't cope with this. Not now. All he ever wanted was to be happy, but right now, happy was such a long way away. He had brushed against it, only to be knocked lower than ever before. He screamed, and the noise echoed around the hall. He looked up again, just to make sure that nobody had come in. The coast was still clear. He walked to the guitar that had been left out from an earlier performance. Sam had taught him how to play, and he began to pluck a few notes. He hummed softly to himself, while tears still flowed down his cheeks.

_This 'second chancing' is really getting me down, _

_You give and takin' everything I dreamed about,_

_It's time you let me know, let me know, just let go,_

_All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted,_

_Was a simple way to get over you,_

_All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted,_

_Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene,_

_All I ever wanted was you._

Rory gulped again. He knew a way. One way to get away from the pain, to get over Sam. It was easy. It wouldn't take any time at all. It could be a simple blow, or a jump. The possibilities were endless, but ultimately they all led to an escape. An escape that he desperately craved.

* * *

At home that night, Rory sat at his desk, his duvet wrapped around him and his pen in his hand. He was hunched over a piece of paper. The last piece of paper.

_Sam,_

_I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I never mean it, but I still hurt people. But putting pressure on you to do things, like I have – for me, that is unforgivable. Death is the only thing I feel can help me now. I've just been so lonely, and you were there, and you are so kind to me. How was I supposed to handle things? I love you so much, but that doesn't matter. The circumstances don't matter. What does, is that I let you down, like I always do. Like shit did you want your best friend to fall in love with you. I love you, but all I can cause is misery for you. No more. Once I'm gone, you will be able to read this letter and understand I'm right. Life for you will be so much better with me dead and never in your life again. You won't be hurt or angered by me anymore. You will be able to have a best friend who is actually a good friend to you, someone that won't let you down with every breath like I do. Every moment I wait before I die is letting you down, and I don't want to let you down again._

_You made me so happy in the good times, and you were there for me when I was low, when I am low. Thank you, because sometimes with you, I was the happiest person on earth. _

_To put it bluntly, you were perfect, but now I feel like I am running out of air. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you, all the things I couldn't make right for you._

_I am so sorry Sam, but know that in another life, I would have been so much better to you. I wouldn't have let you down. _

_Thank you for my life, thank you for everything you have ever done for me, and thank you for being my friend._

_Rory x_

Rory creased the paper in half and placed it into an envelope, on the front of which he wrote down his friend's name. Sam would understand. This was for the best.

* * *

**So yeah, this was probably one of the worst days of my life. But I think that it is important that, in order to fully 'get' the story, you can read the whole thing. There are three more chapters planned for this section, hopefully you have found this chapter interesting. Thank you for reading. The song was All I Ever Wanted by Kelly Clarkson.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Chapter Six, here we come! Thanks for the amazing response I have received for the previous instalment - it has been overwhelming. Like, amazing. Hearing what you have to say about the story, it makes me so happy, because really this is all I have at the moment. Thank you again. The song I have used in this chapter is 'Recover' by Natasha Bedingfield. This was a real turning point for me – the song felt like a friend to me because of the lyrics about pulling through. Yeah, I hope you like it! Fingers crossed you like the chapter as well!**

* * *

The next morning was just as cold as the day before, and the chill shook through Rory's bones and into his cuts. He carried the envelope in his bag on his way to college. He hadn't decided yet whether he would give it to Sam personally, or whether he would just leave it in his bag for it to be found later. When he eventually met eyes with the blonde, he opted for the latter. He couldn't risk Sam opening the letter before he had been successful. He might try to stop him, not knowing how much better life would be with him dead. Sam's happiness was key. This, everything, was for him. He just hoped he was right and that Sam would realise that – he couldn't bear the thought of Sam hating him. Not now, not ever, even after he was dead. But that was just selfish, and he knew it. He would just live through the school day, and then, on his way back home, he would do it. It was only a quick one-minute deviation from his normal route to reach the train station, and from there, it would be all over. With just one jump, or step, all the pain, all the suffering would be over. He wouldn't have to hurt again. He wouldn't cause hurt ever again. It would just be another person that everyone used to know. A faded memory, and that's the way Rory liked it. Nobody would remember the problems he caused. Nobody would remember his horrible face. The knowledge that it could soon be all over made him feel as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt freer – like he was able to enjoy the last day of his life, with no regrets, knowing that all of his sins would be forgiven soon enough. And luckily, the school day flew by. His lessons were more interesting than they had ever been, and as Rory walked out of the main building, he looked over his shoulder. It would be the last time he would see the place, and he felt a certain responsibility to say goodbye. He wiped the one small tear that was falling down his cheek away, and he turned his back on the place. Never again.

* * *

The train station was practically empty. Hardly anybody ever used it at this time, which had shocked Rory. He had expected it to be busy with all of the students making their way back home, but apparently only one or two lived far enough away to make the train a reasonable option. Rory checked out the timetable. Only another four minutes until the train came. All he'd have to do is to simply step out when he saw it coming, and within seconds it would all be over. He could do this. He steeled his thoughts, and began saying his prayers. He shrugged his bag off his shoulders and stepped right onto the edge of the platform, looking out for the train. Nobody had taken any notice of him. His plan was working.

Blaine ran up the steps to the platform. Finn had held him up at his locker, and before he knew it, five minutes had passed and he realised that unless he ran, he was going to miss his train. He was the only member of the New Directions to make use of the public transport – kind of ironic considering he was the one who had attended private school for such a long time. And now here he was, gunning up towards the platform, hoping he hadn't missed the train. He arrived, and just in time – with just one and a half minutes until the train came, he had been cutting it fine. There was something off today though - something that wasn't quite right. There was a boy standing right near the edge of the platform – a boy that shouldn't have been there. Rory Flannagan. This wasn't his route home. Why was he here? Why was he so close to the edge? Where was his bag? Blaine looked around the platform. There it was, next to the timetable. Just lying there in a heap. Rory was normally so neat – this wasn't like him at all. What was going on? Blaine walked closer to the boy, and when he did it suddenly all clicked into place. He could see the oncoming train now, and all the pieces just fit. The bag, how close he was to falling off. Shit. He had to do something., and so he did the only thing he could think of – shout.

Rory was snapped out of his daze by a loud noise, he looked around and saw the train coming. That must have been the cause. He took another step forward towards the edge, and as he did, he heard the noise again. It sounded like his name. The noise repeated, and this time, it was accompanied by a body being flung into him, knocking him to the platform ground. Rory looked up, just in time to see the train pull in past him. He had missed his chance. Who had fucked this up for him? Why had they done it? Didn't they understand? He felt the tears falling from his eyes. He had needed to do it. There was no other way. He felt the weight being lifted off him, and a hand grabbed him and pulled him backwards. Finally, Rory was face to face with the person who had ultimately saved his life. Blaine Anderson. He felt the boy's arms wrap around him, and as Rory began to cry uncontrollably, he felt himself being moved by the shorter man.

* * *

The next thing he knew, he was being bundled into a house, before being led upstairs and sat down on a bed. Finally, he could bring himself to stop crying. He just sat and trembled while Blaine held him and patted his back. He should be dead now. He should be dead. He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head. He would be dead, if it wasn't for Blaine. He would be dead. He should be dead. His thoughts were cycling through those thoughts, and all the time, Blaine held him. He held him until he stopped shaking, and his breathing returned to normal. When he finally let go, he looked into Rory's eyes, and said, "You're staying here tonight. No discussion". Rory just nodded. He assumed Blaine would figure out a way to let his family know where he was. He didn't want to be alone. Not right now. "Rory, we need to talk, and seriously. What's going on? Why did you almost kill yourself?" The Irish boy looked up into his friend's eyes, and when he did, he saw the utmost sympathy there, buried deep inside. And so, he told Blaine his story, he went on and on and on into the early hours of the morning. Blaine just sat, and listened. Every now and again, he would nod to prove he was listening, but most of the time, he just sat, looked and listened. Rory was pouring his life out onto a plate for him, and although the story saddened him to his core, he knew that he had to listen to the whole thing, he had to help his friend. When Rory told him he was gay, Blaine blinked briefly, slightly taken aback, before gesturing for the boy to continue with the story. His heart was breaking with every word that came out of his friend's mouth, but still, he listened, and once the boy was finished, he held him again, and they fell into a light sleep. Every now and again, Blaine would wake up when he felt Rory's body trembling, but he never let go, he would just hold on tighter.

* * *

When sunlight flitted through the curtains, Blaine and Rory's eyes flew open. They looked at each other, and when they left the house for school, a comfortable silence surrounded them. Blaine was going to take Rory to see Mrs. Pillsbury after Glee. He needed to talk to someone, but whether he actually did was up to Rory himself. He wasn't going to force him to speak if he didn't want to. Instead, he had another plan as well. When everybody met in the choir room, Blaine stood up, and took centre stage, before announcing what he was going to sing to the group. The music started, and Blaine took a breath, looking over at Rory.

_Been torn apart, _

_Got so many scratches and scars, _

_Maybe they wont all go away, _

_But they'll fade, _

_Maybe time can mend us together... again. _

_It's not what we've done, but how far we've come. _

Rory sat in his room that night. He had not been to see Emma, he knew that she would just tell his family – not out of spite, but because she by law had to – and this wasn't something he wanted to share. Blaine had done a brilliant performance earlier on in the day, and it had shown that Rory had someone to fall back on when things got too much. He was grateful now for what Blaine had done. He wouldn't be here without him, he literally owed him his life.

_We will recover _

_The worst is over, now. _

_All those fires we've been walking through, _

_And still we survive, somehow. _

_We will recover _

_The worst is behind _

_And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover. _

Rory sat there, thinking about Sam, and all he had been through. That boy had fucked around with his feelings so much, led him to the brink of suicide, and for the first time in a long time, Rory began to notice that his friend wasn't perfect. He had toyed with his heart, and he knew what he was doing. He knew how fragile Rory was at the time.

_Got so much to lose, _

_Seems I've lost my power to choose, oh _

_What to love and when to let go, _

_That all changed, _

_Get bitten once and then your afraid _

_What a waste, _

_Look what we've done, _

_How far we've come… _

Rory was fuming. How could Sam do that to him? How could he just play around with people like they were just little pieces in some game? The blowjobs, the handjobs, the ideas of getting together, it had all just added up to create this horrible mess – a mess that had hurt Rory so much. Blaine had looked disgusted when he had told him about Sam and the way he had behaved.

_We will recover, _

_The worst is over, now. _

_All those fires we've been walking through, _

_And still we survive, somehow. _

_We will recover, _

_The worst is behind, _

_And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover. _

_Everybody's gotta, a reason to cry, _

_And everybody fights but, not everyone survives _

_And everybody's searching, not everybody finds _

_And I'm still in recovery, and I'll make it alive. _

While Blaine sang, Rory listened intently. He hung off of every word like it was gold dust – each one making him a little bit better than before. He still had a long way to go, but he knew what he needed to do now. Tomorrow, he needed to do something, and it killed him, because he knew that Sam wasn't going to like it.

_We will recover, _

_The worst is over, now. _

_All those fires we've been walking through _

_And still we survive, somehow._

* * *

**Basically, the events in this chapter are pretty real. Except that in my life, I wasn't jumped on, but somebody led me quietly away from the edge. They just took my hand, and showed me the way. I love them forever.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: This chapter details one of the most important points in my life. It marked the first occasion in a long time that I had managed to pull myself up off of the floor and fight for my happiness. I had meant to mention this in my previous chapters, but in this story (in order for it to reflect the real world) Kurt and Blaine are not a couple. I forgot to mention it last time… Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for the continued support I have received for this story, because it really is overwhelming to see a response like this. So, welcome to the penultimate chapter…**

* * *

It came out of nowhere. Rory had called him over, and then, just before Mr. Schue walked into the room, slapped him across the face. Fuck that killed. It was an impressive hit, but Sam was confused. Why had his friend slapped him? Not only his friend, but his best friend. What the fuck? He could feel the anger starting to rise inside of him, but he had to let it go for now as Schue arrived. Before returning to his seat though, Sam managed to catch the look of hurt in Rory's eyes. It made him less angry, but a hell of a lot more curious. Had he hurt Rory? Had he deserved the slap? He felt embarrassed as well. Most of the club had seen the incident, and those who had been busy in conversation at the time were quickly being filled in. Did Rory really need to do it here and now? He didn't have time to mull about it now though, as Schuester had invited Rory and Blaine up to the front. Apparently they had been working on something that they really wanted to perform for the club. Blaine was going to be on backing vocals, while Rory took the main microphone. Sam could feel Rory's eyes staring straight into him, and then the Irish boy spoke.

"So, recently, I've had a couple of issues, but I have to say, without some people, things could have been a lot worse". Confused looks flitted around the room. What could have happened? Did this have something to do with the slap? Rory continued. "I've been fucked around a lot lately, and this is what I want to say to all that". The boy closed his eyes as the music began to play.

_I'd conjure up the thought of being gone,_

_But I'd probably even do that wrong,_

_I try to think about which way,_

_Would I be able to and would I be afraid?_

_Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside,_

_Oh I don't even mind (yeah)._

Sam watched intently. From the way that Rory was glancing at him, he could clearly see who the song was directed at. There was a weird, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, and he dreaded finding out just what he had done wrong, but he could see that whatever it had been, it was serious. Rory had never been this open about his anger, and this was almost surreal. Sam gulped as the song progressed.

_It's all your fault,_

_You can't be beautiful,_

_You turned me out,_

_And now I can't turn back,_

_I hold my breath,_

_Because you were perfect,_

_But I'm running out of air,_

_And it's not fair._

The words bit into him like a knife. In a way, it hurt more than the slap. Knowing that he had caused his friend pain, it made him burn inside. The slightly edited lyrics made the song more violently angry than before. Rory was performing brilliantly, but the more successful he was becoming in getting his sentiments across, the more Sam wanted it all just to be over.

_I'm trying to figure out what else to say, (what else could I say?)_

_To make you turn around and come back this way,_

_(Would you just come back this way)?_

_I feel like we could be really awesome together,_

_So make up your mind cause it's now or never. (oh)_

At this point, Sam decided to stop moping, and to start figuring out what he had done. Wallowing in self-pity wasn't exactly going to help Rory right now, but finding out what he had done might. He cast his mind back. Had he not been properly open when Rory had told him he was gay? No that wasn't it, he was confident he had been perfectly supportive then. He had even briefly continued the sexual relationship that had occurred before Rory had come out to him. Fuck… the sex. Could that be it? Was he angry because of that? No, he seemed perfectly up for it at the time. You wouldn't act like that unless you were willing to do it. Unless you liked them… Or loved them.

_It's all your fault,_

_You can't be beautiful,_

_You turned me out,_

_And now I can't turn back,_

_I hold my breath,_

_Because you were perfect,_

_But I'm running out of air,_

_And it's not fair._

Fuck, how could he not have seen it? Rory loved him. Rory, his best friend. And all he had done was use him for sex. Had he led him on? Shit – the other day. He had said he might want something more. How had that affected Rory? His self-harm. How had that affected his frame of mind. He was unstable at the moment. How could he have done that to his friend? To a friend he loved. Fuck, no he didn't love him. Or did he? No, he only loved him as a friend. That's why he had said that he didn't want to take anything further. Right? No that's right. He's not gay. He doesn't love Rory like that. That's what the problem was. No, that wasn't the problem – the problem was the way he had treated the boy.

_I would never pull the trigger,_

_But I've cried wolf a thousand times,_

_I wish you could,_

_Feel as bad as I do,_

_I have lost my mind._

How would he feel if he loved someone, and they treated him like that? Well probably a lot like he does now – like a big pile of shit. Only he didn't love Rory. No, he didn't. Fuck… he did. He looked up at Rory again, and there was a painful feeling in his chest, like his heart was being ripped in two. He could see the anger in Rory's eyes, and he knew that despite how he felt, the couple could never get together. It was just one of those things that would never come to fruition. He had to continue like he had before, pretending that he didn't love the boy. It was better for both of them.

_It's all your fault,_

_You can't be beautiful,_

_You turned me out,_

_And now I can't turn back,_

_I hold (I hold) my breath, (my breath)_

_Because you were perfect,_

_But I'm running out of air, (running out of air)_

_And it's not fair._

Rory stopped singing and looked around at his friends. They were all stunned. There wasn't anything wrong with the performance, but they hadn't expected something quite this antagonistic. Blaine clapped, and suddenly everybody joined in. It had been a great song. Sam sat there quietly. His heart burned, but he knew he would get over it. He had to right?

* * *

That evening, Rory pulled the razor across his arm. Sure, Sam deserved that slap, but he shouldn't have done it. He needed to be punished. He needed to feel the burn of his own pain again. He watched as the blood trickled out. He felt the impulse to pull the razor along his wrists. If he did, there would be no more pain. It would all be over. But then, all that Blaine had done for him would be in vain, and, in addition, there wouldn't be the necessary twelve members in glee club for the Regionals competition in two days. For now, he needed to be alive. For now, he needed to survive. He pushed the razor away from him, the urge to kill himself having subsided for now. He knew it would come back, but he knew he couldn't act on it at the moment. He closed his eyes for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a big day for him. He had spent all night talking about it with Blaine, and now he was nervous. He knew that nobody in the glee club would have any issues with his sexuality, but there was still a dark feeling that surrounded coming out to his peers. Blaine had been amazing over the last couple of days, and the two had become good friends. They had texted pretty much non-stop, mainly thanks to the constant support that Blaine was providing for Rory. It was nice to know that he always had someone to fall back on. It made him feel safer. But he didn't want to become a drain on the boy either – he knew that Blaine probably had his own issues as well, but he couldn't bring himself to stop talking to the boy. He felt like he could tell him everything, and nothing had been quite so well received as when he had announced that he wanted to come out to the glee club. Blaine had replied with a phone call instead of the usual text, and the pair had discussed possibilities for Rory all through the evening. They had started off with the idea of a song, but soon ditched that as two cliché. Rory could feel Blaine's happiness radiating through the phone, and it slightly warmed his dead heart. Every now and again, his eyes would flit over to the razor, and quickly, without letting Blaine know, he would graze his arm, just to watch the blood come out while Blaine was busy chatting away. The boy had started escorting Rory to and from college, even missing his earlier train to do so, and although the Irish boy could understand the other's actions, he was starting to feel a little suffocated. It wasn't like he was constantly suicidal. Well, that was a lie, but it wasn't like he always felt like acting on it. He still cried himself to sleep at night about his life, but now that he was a little angry at Sam, those emotions were starting to divert his attention from the much more dangerous ones that would creep into his head in the moments he had by himself when the silence returned.

* * *

So yeah, this is based around the emotions that my friend claims to have felt during the time. (Well the first half is - as usual the Rory section is based around my thoughts and actions). I hope that you liked this chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Someone once told me that all journeys must come to an end someday, and for this story, I think that this really is the end of that journey. This takes us right up to present day, and what happens from here, who knows? All I can do is cross my fingers and hope that there will be better days to come. I hope you feel that this story has taken you on a trip, because that's what life is – a voyage from beginnings to ends. Okay, enough of the philosophical stuff… It's just that this story means a lot to me, and the response that it has received has been overwhelming, so thank you. I can't believe that If I Don't Get Up is finished. So here we are for the last chapter, I hope you like it!**

* * *

"I'm gay". Rory opened his eyes, and looked around the room at the faces staring at him. Blaine was beaming. He couldn't believe he had finally done this – he'd told his friends. He had chosen to just dive straight in for the kill, not dodging around the issue with a song or speech. Everyone seemed happy for him. Santana and Blaine were the two who started the bundle, but soon everybody else had joined in, and the glee club was lying in a massive heap on the floor. Everyone was laughing at Rory's bemused expression, and as the action was infectious, the startled boy soon joined in. It was the first time he had laughed in almost four months. Once everyone had stood up, Blaine remained by Rory's side, and the pair watched as the group dissipated. It hadn't been an official rehearsal, the two had just called a meeting for Rory to get it off his chest. Finally, it was only the two of them left in the theatre, and Rory moved to the edge of the stage before plonking himself down. Blaine seated himself next to him, smiling away until he noticed the tears that were falling from Rory's large eyes. What was wrong?

"Rory, what's the matter? I thought it went really well!" Rory straightened himself out, and looked at his friend. Hadn't he felt the same way when he had come out? Yeah, in some ways it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, but at the same time, it was terrifying. He had never been a particularly open person, and now, after just two words, everyone in the group knew the secret he had been keeping for almost seven years. He hadn't been so confused by his emotions in a long time. Terrified but jumping for joy – it was a weird mixture.

"I don't know, I'm just… You know? It's scary…" Blaine sighed and smiled. How could he have forgotten how it felt? He patted Rory's back. It would be like this for a little while, but eventually he would feel more comfortable with it. Everyone had to adjust at first. It was like peeling away a layer of yourself. One chapter of your life was ending, but another, more exciting one was just about to unfold.

* * *

Rory sat alone in his room that night. It was the first time in since the incident at the train station that he had been allowed to walk home by himself, and although he had looked longingly in the direction of the railway, he didn't make any further moves towards the memories of the place. He didn't feel suicidal at the moment. It made a change. A lot had happened over the last few months – Sam and Mercedes had become an item, and now everyone was preparing for them to fall apart (their relationship had been on the rocks lately). He had come out, at first just to Sam, but now also to his other friends. He had almost committed suicide, but had been saved by Blaine, and had slapped his other best friend. His self-harm had been revealed, and now he was under constant supervision from his friends. He wondered about what part of him was still private. Everything about him seemed so open, so out there. What was left for those private moments? There was just an empty feeling. A numb feeling. That's how it was now. He didn't feel anything at all. Anything would have been better. At least when he wanted to kill himself, he could feel, but now he just didn't know where he stood. His ghosts had left him behind, and now he felt like he was the one chasing them. A faint touch of sadness, of happiness. It was all he wanted, because the pain of emptiness was so much worse than what had come before. He just wanted something to hold onto. Something tangible. Love, hate. Anything. Somebody to make things better. In the past, that somebody would have been Sam, but after the slap, the boy had become distant, even though the pair had later discussed why Rory had taken that action, and Sam himself had agreed that he deserved it. Sam. That word still sent a tingling down his spine. He shook it off. He would always love the boy, he could see that now, but in time, he would love him differently. There would always be a place for him in his life, but it wouldn't be like he wanted at the moment. They would never become an item, and he would never know what it would feel like to have Sam's lips against his. That burned inside, and he felt himself die a little more. Rory curled himself up into a ball and lay under the duvet before closing his eyes and hoping that tomorrow would be a better day, that tomorrow would bring life back into his stone heart.

* * *

Blaine lay awake in the dark. His mind was racing with thoughts of Rory. He knew he had feelings for the boy, but he didn't know whether it was too early to tell him. He didn't know whether it would cause more harm than good. What would the reaction be? Maybe Rory would be cheered up by Blaine confessing his feelings. Maybe he would be more confused than before. He didn't need to confuse the poor boy anymore. The problem went round and round in his head. All he knew was that he really wanted to let Rory know, and although his head told him to stay away, his heart was so overpowering that he knew he needed to do something, and that was how the next day, the pair ended up sitting outside of the canteen, on a bench not too far away from where Rory and Sam had sat. Rory looked confused, and the expression only deepened when Blaine took the boy's hand in his own. He took a deep breath, and built up the courage to speak.

"Rory, I know that it might not be the best time, but I need to tell you. It's just… Well… Um… Oh fuck it Rory, I like you, but like, I more than friends". Blaine opened his squeezed shut eyes to find Rory blinking at him, obviously startled at his admission. It didn't take long for Rory to smile.

"So you want to go on a date with me Blaine?" Rory looked a little unsure of himself as he asked the question, obviously seeking confirmation of what he had understood of what Blaine said. It didn't seem real to have Blaine talk to him like this. There was an unusual feeling in his stomach, and it confused him. Was it that he also wanted the pair to be in a relationship? Or was it something else entirely? Once Blaine had reaffirmed the way he felt to Rory, the couple agreed to go out later on that evening. Rory had nothing to do, and it would be nice to have something to take his mind of events that were going on at the moment. Maybe that horrible empty feeling would go away.

* * *

The film that they had gone to see had been pretty poor, but that didn't really matter to Rory. He was too busy concentrating on the boy next to him, and that feeling in the pit of his stomach to notice what was happening on screen. Afterwards, they had headed out to BreadstiX, and the Irish boy cheered up, getting lost in conversation with Blaine. He could lose himself in the shorter boy's eyes forever. That feeling in his stomach was there, just like it had been before, but for the meal, Rory could ignore it. It wasn't important. Whatever it was could wait. For now, he just wanted to enjoy his time with Blaine. The ride home was nice as well, and although the couple hadn't kissed, when they parted ways, they were both content. It wasn't until later at night that the feeling returned to Rory's mind. It worried him. It sent chills through his bones, and when he thought of Blaine, he just didn't feel at all. It broke his heart. He had hoped that maybe he would feel happy. He really did like Blaine a lot. As more than friends. So why did he just have this empty feeling? It scared him shitless. The world was spinning, and then, before he knew it, he had collapsed onto the bed behind him. Nobody heard him as he fell backwards, and when Rory woke the next morning, he shrugged the matter off. He wasn't ill, it must have just been a random thing. One of those things that just happen.

On their second date, the couple had gone to a performance created by some members of the New Directions. It made a nice change to be able to watch a large proportion of the group perform and not have to be involved, and Rory could really see how talented his friends were. The early songs had been shared as big group performances, but now things had taken a slightly different mood as each performer was taking a solo shot at their favourite song. Sam walked up to the microphone, glancing through the audience. He spotted Rory, and he smiled. On the inside however, he broke. The boy was with Blaine, and it just made the song he was singing that much more poignant. He had broken up with Mercedes earlier on in the day, so he was certain most people in the club would believe he was singing to her.

_Goodbye,_

_Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?_

_Layin' down the law that I live by,_

_Though maybe next time._

A part of him knew that this was Rory's song to sing. He had hurt the boy, and the Irish guy should be singing this to him, but he had taken his chance to sing his message, and now here stood Sam. Alone. Watching that boy begin moving on with his life was great, but at the same time it stung. If only he had realized how he felt before now, before it was too late. Before that boy had slipped through his fingers. Rory Flannagan, the only boy he would ever love, the only boy for him. He cursed himself inside, and he knew that these few months were a period he would regret for the rest of his life.

_I've got a thick tongue,_

_Brimming with the words that go unsung,_

_Simmer then the burn for a someone,_

_A wrong one._

Rory sat watching Sam. He squeezed Blaine's hand, and sighed. Sam was such an amazing performer. He looked back to Blaine, his boyfriend. He had feelings for him, he knew he did. It was like they had just come at the wrong time. Those feelings were supposed to arrive now, but instead he was just feeling empty. He was so consumed with emptiness and feeling numb, that the love he knew existed for the other boy just couldn't get through. That familiar chill worked its way along Rory's bones, and fled out his fingertips.

_And I tell myself to let the story end,_

_My heart will rest in someone else's hand,_

_My 'why not me?' philosophy began,_

_And I say…_

Blaine drove Rory home that night. He had loved the evening, and spending it with Rory had just made it that much better. In fact, tonight had been one of the best nights he had even seen. He was young, happy, and in love. Sure he was still worried about Rory, that was natural – he couldn't expect the boy to improve that quickly, and the fact he hadn't seen Rory even a little miserable in the last few days worried him. Was he hiding it behind a wall, afraid he would hurt Blaine? He just couldn't read the Irish boy, no matter how hard he tried.

_Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?_

_I'll be alright, just not tonight,_

_Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay,_

_I'll be alright, just not tonight,_

_Someday._

Rory looked across at Blaine. They had been parked outside of the house for two minutes now, and they were just sat enjoying each other's company. It was nice to just not have to worry about life for a little while. To just lose themselves in the present, and leave the past and the future behind. Rory sighed as he looked at Blaine. A content sigh. For now, life was going on, and he knew that he had to jump on board before it was too late.

_Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me,_

_Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,_

_Hang from your hands._

Blaine leant across the gearstick, and moved so his face was close to Rory's. He placed a quick kiss on the Irish boy's surprised lips, and then backed away to see his reaction. It seemed confused, before turning into a smile. A smile that Blaine lived for. It was just so perfect.

_Well, no more,_

_I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door,_

_If I make it at the thought of you, what for?_

_It's not me anymore._

Sam lay in bed that night, dreaming of the times he could have kissed Rory. Even when they were in a sexual relationship, they had avoided kissing, and now, he felt like he had been so stupid. He had fucked it all up, and now, here he was, with feelings for the boy – feelings he didn't want to have. Feelings he shouldn't have, because they were dangerous, especially in an area like this, were homosexuality was seen by many as disgusting, as wrong. He hated himself for those feelings, not because he agreed with the local population, that being gay isn't right, but more because those feelings just didn't belong with him.

_And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,_

_I dare you darling, just you wait and see,_

_But this time not for you but just for me,_

_And I say._

Rory felt scared by the kiss, not because it was intimidating, or anything like that, but more because of how it left him feeling. It made him feel cold, it sent chills running through his body, but not the kind of chills he had wanted at a moment like this. He had hoped that fireworks would go off, that when him and Blaine kissed, that the love would come rushing in to fill the void that had been left after recent events, but instead, it just made it bigger. His stone heart grew colder, and he shivered. Then he saw Blaine looking at him expectantly, and smiled. He couldn't hurt Blaine. He would make him happy.

_Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?_

_I'll be alright, just not tonight,_

_Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay,_

_I'll be alright, just not tonight,_

_Someday._

He looked at his boyfriend again. His Blaine. That cold, it was there. It would be for a long time. But he just had to fight that off right? He just had to continue like nothing was wrong. He had to make Blaine happy. Especially since his own happy was so far away. Emotions had to return at some point right?

* * *

**So I just wanted to say, once again, a MASSIVE thank you to all those who have been with me since the beginning. I especially want to thank jibassmaster and TVTime for their amazing continued support. It means so, so, so much to me. I can't believe it's all over. The song I used in this chapter was Gonna Get Over You, by Sara Bareilles. It is such an amazing song, it really is. I also just wanted to say: anyone who has had problems with this kind of thing, anyone who is struggling now with this kind of thing. You are not alone. There are people out there who are ready to support you, and to help you. Just remember, that suicide is NEVER the best way. Everyone will have happiness in their lives eventually, so just hold on tight because things can get better. For me, things are still bad, but they are better than they were. So please, use this story as evidence - things get better, because if they didn't, I wouldn't be around to write this. I love you all.**


	9. Chapter 9: A Letter

**I hope you don't mind me posting this here, I felt like I had to add it to 'If I Don't Get Up', because it's such a personal tale, and I know you might not have any interest in this little letter here, but if you do read it - thank you. **

I know this letter has nothing to do with the characters themselves, but I used this story to explain my life at the time, and I feel that this is where I am now. Sometimes it feels like I've lost a lot in my life - especially recently. Since last January it seems that I've lost my best friend, I've lost my motivation for doing anything. It feels like sometimes I just want to tear my heart right out of my chest, and just let my brain die. Sometimes I long for that feeling of my skin being cut into by a razor, just because it freed me so much. Pain, sadness, hurt, it was all contained. But sometimes now it just feels so overwhelming, and I don't know which way to turn. I've lost everything that I once held dear, and all of these new people in my life, they mean so much to me, and I love them all - but sometimes it feels like it's not enough. I never let them in as much as I used to. I never let anybody know me as much as he did. Because he made me feel complete, like the missing part of me. Like the piece that would put my life back together again when it had fallen apart so completely around me. The worst thing however, wasn't the never knowing, or the having done and moving on, it was the way he kept me on a leash. Always up and down. Some days he'd want me, others he could care less. And that killed me inside even more, but at least I had my drug - my cutting. I'm not going to lie, I miss that safety net so much. It felt like when I had nobody to turn to, at least I had something to do. Since last January, everything feels so insignificant. Back then, I didn't think I was going to be around now to write this, but here I am. I think people worry about how I care so little about my education, about the future, but they just don't get it. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted a finality that would make everything disappear. Nowadays, it's hard to feel motivated to do anything in life because it all seems so insignificant. Everything seems so small, so pointless. Just being here right now seems like an accomplishment to me.

The truth is however, that I would never wish for depression to have never come into my life. I came out because I was depressed. I met my current best friend because I felt I had nobody else to turn to, and her family feels so important to me, because they saved me. That word is so special. Saved. No-one understands it until you've actually been saved. Because they gave you a reason. Not for anything in particular, it was just a reason to be. A reason not to leave this world forever. A reason not to just pack up everything and say goodbye. A reason to be. So would I ever wish that I never became depressed? No. Because it brought me so many things - even though I still feel like I repulse myself, even though I still get so frustrated with my own head and heart. Even though nobody knows me, I feel like somebody might, and that's everything.

* * *

**I guess you could say this is a letter from Rory, but really, it's a letter from me. I don't know who to, just to someone. Thanks for reading.**


End file.
